In one week I went from finishing the New York City Marathon to inpatient status on IV medications.
It was pretty much the opposite of a couch to 5k plan and more like the 26.2 miles to hospital bed plan.
For me there are several different physical and emotional aspects that I have to process before accepting a hospitalization. When I catch a cold it always causes me to feel fear because I don't know how this cold will effect my lungs - will I get over it, will I need oral antibiotics or IV antibiotics? Once the cold sets in and I feel the side effects of cystic fibrosis I start to feel the wrath of how terrible this disease can be - a cough that rattles my bones, the never ending mucus that clogs my airways, breathlessness, little sleep and aching lungs. Then comes the anxiety - the anxiety kicks in because the thoughts that this could be my new normal, that my lung function will never go back up and the thought that this breathless feeling could become permanent and the beginning of a downward spiral in my health.
Then you hear the words hospitalization and IV antibiotics - Initially I cry because I feel weak and like I didn't try hard enough to maintain my health. I question what could I have done to prevent this. This past hospitalization I learned that my body is now resistant to oral antibiotics that target the specific bacterias that live in my lungs and IV antibiotics are my only option when I get sick. Yes, it is life altering news for me but there are far worse things that I could be dealing with.
Eventually, the weak feeling fades and I am at peace with the situation and the scenario because I understand that this is the best option for me. I learn to adapt and cope with the situation at hand. Soon after the moments of weakness, the fighting mentality sets in and I remind myself that this is just one small bump and I will overcome it. I will fight to the end because my heart, mind and body are consumed with love for my son, husband and family. I will dream big and work hard.
When I was in the hospital I was confined to the 14th floor and I had to wear a mask every time that I left my room. In the CF world the common cold can turn into pneumonia so I wear a mask in order to protect myself from new bacteria that could possibly pose a threat to my lungs. The mask protects me from other peoples germs as well as cross contamination of germs between CF patients that could be on the same unit.
The first few days in the hospital were an adjustment period for me because my body was extremely tired. After the third day of antibiotics I started to regain energy and I felt up to the task of going for a walk.
I walked past a room with three women holding hands in prayer around a hospital bed. I walked past sisters who were discussing their fathers will because they learned that this would be his last hospital stay and he would be moving to hospice.
My goal destination was about 400 meters from my room and it was a window that overlooked San Francisco where I could see the ocean, downtown, Golden Gate Park and Golden Gate Bridge. I made it just in time to see the sun disappearing over the bridge.
When I approached the window there was a man standing there. I didn't really pay close attention to him because I was mesmerized by the view. I heard someone call a mans name and noticed the man turn towards the voice. In that moment I saw him wipe tears from his eyes, take a deep breath and walk towards the voice.
That 400 meter walk was incredibly heart wrenching but so pivotel in shaping my mindset from that point on. I was probably the ultimate creeper as I passed by each situation but I felt drawn to the emotions of each scenario because they were real, sad and raw. I witnessed so much pain in such a short time and my insight into how I perceive my situation instantly turned around.
I am just one person in this large world but I am alive and that is a gift in itself. My family, who are my world, are my driving forces to never give up. When Adam and Leo came to visit that evening I felt empowered to make the most of the situation. We went for a walk around the 14th floor and I let Leo take a ride on my IV pole. We were laughing, Leo was laughing and the people who passed by us smiled.
I can't control the forces of life and how they will play out but I can appreciate how lucky I am to be alive and present in each moment. My perception is my reality and I will cling on to that mentality. The evening that I wandered the halls of the hospital made me aware of how fast life can change. That evening it didn't matter that I was laying in a hospital room because I knew it was temporary and it wasn't the last page in my story book. What did matter that evening were the sweet embraces from my son, the unconditional love and support of my husband by side and the family and friends who made an effort to make sure I was okay.
When I was a little girl my dad hung a poster (see image below) up in my room and I never forgot the message. It always stuck with me and still does to this day.
In a few short days my family and I will celebrate 12 years of being cancer free!
Thank you for taking time to read my blog :)
Sabrina
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